1.. Boss: "Beware of 50-50-90 rule!
"Employee: "What do you mean Sir?
"Boss: "Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there is 90% probability that you will get it wrong!"
2.. An applicant to his new Boss."Sir, I always give 100% at work!
"Boss: "Oh, and how do you manage it ?
"Applicant replies: "Sir, 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday!"
3.. GOOD OLD DAYSWhen I was a child, my mother would send me downto the corner store with a 10 Rs, and I'd come back withfive Kgs of potatoes,two loaves of bread,three packs of milk,a pack of cheese,a packet of tea,and half a dozen eggs....You can't do that now.Too many damn security cameras!!":-
4.. Little Red Riding Hood didn'tlisten to her mother..Snow White lived with sevenmen..Pinnochio was a liar..Robin Hood was a thief..Tarzan walked without clothes on..These are the stories our parents raised us with, andthen they complain our generation's messed up..:-);-):-
5.. When you have done wrong and you are in trouble, go to your parents for a Sound Advice,.....U'll get,,,,99% Sound 1% Advice...
6.. An oLd Lady gave the busS Drivr penuts 2 eat.Ths happnd 4 several Times.The drivr said ' Y have u givn me such wondrful peanuts to eat?Why don't u eat thm urself?'The Lady replied 'i dont have teth to munch thm'Drivr:Then why u bought them?Old Lady: I just Love the chocolate Around thm. Hahaha:-
7.. Boy to girl before exam: Hey all d best
Girl: All da best to u too.But girl scored 80 marks & boy failed..
.Moral: Only boys wish with true heart..
8.. The phone bill was exceptionally high..Man called a family meeting on saturday to discuss..Dad- this is unacceptable. I don't use this phone, i only use my work phone..Mum.. Me too. I hardly ever use this phone..Son- i use my office mobile inever use the home phone..All of them are shocked n together look at the maid who's patiently listening to them..Maid- wat?So v all use our work phones.. Not a Big deal...!
9.. In an engineering universityduring a math's class:
Student:Why do we have to learn this?
Teacher:To save lives!!!!!
Student:How does math save lives?
Teacher:It keeps idiots like you out of medical college...
10.. A shopkeeper was dismayedwhen a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea...He putthe biggest sign of all over his own shop...It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE!
11.. Ek dost dusre se.. Mere aur prime minister ki self respect me koi farq nahi..
Doosra dost ... Wo kaise?
Pehla dost.. Wo mere ghar aate nahi main un k ghar jaata nahi..
Doosra dost ... Wo kaise?
Pehla dost.. Wo mere ghar aate nahi main un k ghar jaata nahi..
12..
"Each nyt I go 2 sleep,I die. Next day I wake up,I'm
reborn."-M.K.Gandhi"Each nyt I go 2 sleep,I'm reborn. Next day I wake
up,I'm dead again."-A student ;
13.. A Sign At A Petrol pump..."Plz ... Don't Smoke Here ... Your Life May Be Worthless,ButPetrol Certainly Isn't...!" :-
14..
Height of Insult :-DGuide: I welcome you all to Niagra falls. This is
the world's largest water fall & the sound intensity of the
waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be
heard!Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so thatwe can hear the
Niagra Falls...
15..
During a visit to a mental hospital, a medical student asked the
Doctor, "How do u determine whether or not, a patient should be
admitted?""Well",said the Doctor,"We fill a bathtub, then we give a
teaspoon,a teacup & a bucket to the patient n askhim to empty the
bathtub."The student said,"Oh, a normal person wud use the bucket cz its
bigger.""No,"said the Doctor,"A n0rmal person wud pull the drain
plug.Now, which bed do u want??"
16.. The Most Outstanding Student Of My Class ...Because,I Always Stand Outside The Class:-) Proud 2 b an Out-Standing Student.
17..
No Matter Whether Guyz are driving Ferrari, BMW, Accord, OR Corolla.
They arenot able to Overtake a . . .. . ...GIRLS COLLEGE VAN;-
18.. In a bar, a man attend da call of a ringing mobile.
Man: Hello!
Wife: Darling shall I buy 1 diamond ring?
Man: Sure honey
Wife: Shall I use your creditcard for Crystal pendant?
Man: Ok dear!
Friends: Great to see that you love her so much!
Man: Hmm! By the way, whose mobile is this?!
19..
A doctor came to visit the patient in hospital and patient started
pleading and crying, "Doc please save me, please save me!". The patient
kept crying and crying.The outspoken Doc got irritated and told the
patient, "You should not worry to much dear, you see you owe Rs-4000 for
the hospital bed, Rs-2000 for medicines and Rs-3000 as doctor's fee, we
wouldn't kill you before that!
20..
Attending a wedding forthe first time, a little girlwhispered to her
mother,"Why is the bride dressedin white?"..."Because white is the
colorof happiness, and today isthe happiest day of her life."The child
thought about thisfor a moment, then said,"So why is the groom
wearingblack...?"
Pilot; meri height 5.8" and i m sitting down.
22..Judge: tum court me 3rd. Time aa rahe ho tumhe sharm nahi aati?
Vicky; sir aap to court me daily aate hain.
23..Ek aadmi ka credit card chori hogaya phir bhi usne report nahi likhai why?...?
Chor uski biwi se kam kharcha kar raha tha.
24..Ek employer office bunk kar k ghar gaya
waha par uski biwi bed room me boss k sath thi..
Wo wapas office chala gaya aur apne doston se kehne laga aaj main bal bal bach gaya varna mere office bunk ka boss ko pata chal jata..
25..Ek dost dusre se maine apni biwi ko kisi dosre admi k sath movie jate huve dekha..
Doosra dost; tu ne uska pichha nahi kiya?
Pehla dost; nahin yaar maine wo movie dekhi huvi hai.
26..Wife; tum ne aaj paper me wo news padhi hai ek admi ne apni biwi ko cycle k badle bech diya?
27..Thanx god tum waise nahi ho..
Husband; main atleast car ka wait kar raha hoon.
28..In a computer examexaminer; what is microsoft excel?
Student; ye surf excel walon ki new brand hai computer dhone k liy banai hai.
29..Director; tumhe ek swimming pool me 100 feet height se jump lagani hai.Actor; but i dont know swimming.
Director ; arey dont worry swimming pool me pani nahi hai.
